From Osama bin Ladin to Dick Laudon. How deep is the conspiracy? Unless you've been living under a rock for the past week, you know about the terrorist attacks upon the USA. What you may not know is that the war on America has been going on since at least the early eighties by supposedly well-loved TV figures. For example, Newhart, a wacky romp through the Vermont countryside, was one of the vehicles used by these heinous monsters to perpetrate their evil plans. Using such an innocent setting as the Green Mountain State, and casting dimwitted but lovable characters, Newhart wormed it's way into the hearts and homes of America, thereby sealing the fates of thousands, if not millions, of people more than fifteen years later. Now the real story can be told... The original concept for the show was the brainchild of expatriate Saudi dissident Dick bin Ladin, who came to America with the sole purpose of spreading widespread apathy among the "evil American" people in order to ensure the victory of his peoples in the coming Jihad. By brainwashing the American psyche with puerile comedy, Dick bin Laden was attempting to soften the minds of the Americans, making them easier to defeat. Every week, he and his cell would tell badly written jokes and puns, interspersed with recorded laughter, in an effort to destroy the brains of the 250 million "soulless bastards who will rot in the steaming bowels of hell".
The producers loved the concept of a sitcom based in Vermont, since everyone knows that Vermont is devoid of a sense of humor. The irony was not lost on Dick bin Laden either. Nobody would suspect a thing until nearly twenty years later. The major concern by the executives and producers, of course, was the fact that the premise of the show was based upon non-American people and religions. Still reeling from the effects of "Good Times", "The Jeffersons", "Chico and the man", and Van Morrison's earlier attempts to sing about a "Brown Skinned Girl", the entertainment industry was loath to reopen the "foreign" issue. Undeterred, Dick bin Laden went back to the drawing board, changing the premise of the story, while still keeping it's insidious goal of helping to destroy America. Instead of having such foreign sounding names, he changed his to Dick Laudon. Instead of writing religious literature, he would now write how-to pamphlets. Instead of owning a safe-house, he would run a Inn. He and the male members of his cell would shave off their beards and cut their hair, while the women would don the evil trappings of western harlots. Even though the mere sight of unclothed female skin would sear their eyes, and a razor's touch would forever mar their perfect faces, Dick, Jossef, Zihad, Khalid, and his brother Ahmed and his other brother Ahmed knew that their sacrifices would guarantee them a place at the right hand of their god.
Newhart went into production in late 1981, Debuted on October 25, 1982, and ran until September 8, 1990, when it fell victim to the very thing that they were attempting to foster. Because of viewer apathy, Newhart was canceled after contracting a terminal case of bo-ringggg. "Dick Laudon" and his cell of zany zealots can still be seen in reruns doing silly stunts and making clever comebacks that would totally destroy the mind of the average TV viewer if not for the commercials, which actually partially counteract the damage to our craniums. God bless Proctor and Gamble! Newhart isn't the only cell of radicals in American entertainment. In recent years we have seen "Friends" (a word meaning "The pigs fly at midnight"), "Cheers" ("Americans are Satan's vile tools of Hell") and Fraiser ("Fraiser"). The trend seems to be that we will continue to be attacked from within by new "sitcoms" until our brains leak out onto the couch cover, or until we defeat these cowardly terrorists from within.
-Skuncle Send complaints to: skuncle@skuncle.com |
