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Osanta bin Clausen

He's making a list, he's checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's naughty and nice, Osanta bin Clausen is coming to town.

It may sound nearly as paranoid as the US government's worries that the Taliban were sending secret orders through their taped messages to the outside world, but let us examine the facts behind our "venerated" icon of Christmas:

• He lives in a secret spot somewhere near the North Pole. Nobody can precisely locate him.
• He goes by many aliases, including Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Sinterclaus, and Santa.
• Our children would follow him to the ends of the earth.
• He has an army of skilled little craftsmen building his infernal devices, which he distributes to children every year, batteries not included.
• His closest lieutenants infiltrate our shopping centers and malls for at least two months, promising fabulous riches to the children of hardworking parents with a mortgage and a maxed-out VISA card.
• He knows if you are sleeping.
• He knows if you're awake.
• He knows where you live. Chances are, for years he has been sneaking around your house while you were passed out in your bedroom, loaded on hot totties and eggnog.
• Adding insult to injury, he drinks your rum and eats your cookies while he's there.
• His flying beasts always shit on your roof and screw with your dish.

What more proof of his evil do we need? We must act now, before it's too late!

We need to create a new political entity in order to protect us from this heinous monster and his gang of pint-sized hoodlums. This new governmental branch would be called the Office of Yuletide Security, and would be responsible for tracking Osanta and his thugs throughout the Christmas season, locating his hideout, and smoking him out. They will need a budget of at least thirty trillion dollars, and will be responsible only to the Presidents of WalMart, Coca Cola, and Canadian Tire.

Or else we can all just get stuffed on turkey and Christmas pudding, and leave it until next year.